Swanoir the human fart machine, with a belly bigger than a st. helens rugby player, is the inventor of the Swantex Swanderbra.

He claims to have once punched a dolphin for swearing at pensioners which earned him the Kings Medal for Gallantry, a cup of tea, and a sticky bun.

Many years ago he hired a Galapogos Turtle to escort him to the school prom. Imagine his fury when, at the end of the evening, he caught the turtle slow-dancing with his arch enemy, Skeletor.

His hobbies include collecting blu-tack, stotty cakes and frozen day old chickens.

Swanny: The Interview

What time is it? 15:41 you nosy twat.
Name as it appears on your birth certificate? Bungle fuckin' Bear
Nickname: The Gay Macaroon
Parents' names: Rosie and Jim
Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake: One fuck off advent candle borrowed from a church
Date that you regularly blow them out: 1st - 25th December